


Small Bump

by RevisionaryHistory



Series: The Care and Feeding of Nathan [19]
Category: Nathan Sykes (Musician), The Wanted (Band)
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-05
Updated: 2016-04-05
Packaged: 2018-05-31 11:14:35
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 7,885
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6468013
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RevisionaryHistory/pseuds/RevisionaryHistory
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Unexpected sadness is the worst</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

~*~Kristin~*~

 

"You have to tell him."

What the fuck? "Of course, I have to tell him. Why would you think I wouldn't tell him. I'd never do that. For fucks sake, Lindsey." I couldn't believe she would even think such a thing. I also knew I was freaking out.

She quickly backed off, "I'm sorry. I know you wouldn't. I'm freaking out here a little. I'm sorry."

Lindsey was there for me when no one else was. I'd forgive the slight freak out, because she might be the only one here for me now too. Okay, that was me freaking out. He'd be here. I wiped the tears streaming down my face, "Oh God, Lindsey. How do I tell him? He's gonna be happy, and scared, and sad, and completely freaked out."

"Kind of like you are?" I couldn't say anything because I was losing it. "It`ll be okay. He will get there as fast as humanly possible. You want me to call him? I will."

"No. I have to."

~*~Nathan~*~

There are moments in life that are pivotal. You may not know it at the time, but when it becomes clear you can perfectly remember that moment. I could still remember the first audition for The Wanted. Every little inconsequential detail was burned into my memory. 

One of those moments was about to happen.

I was in the green room with the lads waiting to be interviewed on a morning radio show. I sat in a cushy chair with my feet on the low table covered with pastries. I was laughing at Tom trying to help Max put on a two layer top. Either it was extremely complicated or they were idiots. Likely a bit of both. Max threw the top in the corner as my phone rang.

Jay looked at me, "Now that is a girlfriend ringtone if I ever heard one."

Didn't even try to deny it, "Hello, beautiful girlfriend."

"Hey handsome. What are you doing?"

"Waiting for a radio interview. What about you?" First clue that something was up: She should be in class.

"I took the day off. I was talking to Lindsey. Do you trust me?"

"Oh God, what are you planning to do to me?" Last time she asked if I trusted her I wound up with fingers in places I didn't know I wanted fingers.

She laughed, "Nothing like that. Sort of a hypothetical question. If I told you I really needed you, but I didn't want to tell you why, would you come?"

"Of course I would, silly girl. In a heartbeat. Where on earth did that come from?"

I heard her take a breath, "Nathan, I need you, can you come?"

I was looking around for my bag, "Are you alright, do I need to be worried?"

"I'm okay, baby. I just really need you."

Yeah, I was worried anyway, but I knew I needed to not ask and I needed to leave immediately. "I'll be right there. I'll book a flight in the car."

"Let me know."

"Of course, I love you, Kris."

"I love you too. See you soon."

"Quick as I can." I was heading out the door and heard Jay ask where I was going. "Home."

The elevator doors were closing when a hand came through and Nano jumped on, "What's going on?"

“I don't know. She wouldn’t ask me to come home if it wasn't something important. This isn't like her, Nano."

He nodded and took out his phone, "I'll get your flight and get you out of here."

I stop fumbling with my phone, "Thanks.

The line of fans outside screamed as I hit the door. I saw the van that brought us and headed in that direction.

Nano parted the way, "Sorry, guys. Got to get Nathan out of here." He got me in the van and told the driver to get us to the airport while talking on his phone. He hung up, "Got you on a 9 AM flight, you'll be there by 10:30, car will be waiting for you."

"Thank you." I nodded. "She said she's fine, I'm not to worry, and she needs me."

"You didn't ask what was up?"

"No, if she could tell me on the phone she would have. I was to see her in two days."

"So you're worried."

I laughed, "Pretty much. She said she's okay, so anything else… It'll be fine." While I knew this, I didn't really feel it. I played with my fingers and watched the time.

We were at the airport with twenty minutes to spare. Nano shoved me towards check-in, "I'll get in the security line.” He was four people back when I traded with him. 

"I'll let you know plans when I do. Thanks again."

I sent my bag and shoes through x-ray, grabbed them, and ran to the gate. Plenty of time! I slid my shoes back on as I waited in line to board. Once in my seat I called her, "I land at 10:30. Where are you?"

"I'm at home. I'm sorry. You're worried."

Evidently I can’t filter my voice anymore than my face. "Shut up!" I said that while laughing. "You need me, I'm there. I worry about you all the time. So today is no different. I'll be with you in two hours and you can tell me what all this is about. Already for takeoff so I have to go. See you soon, baby. I love you."

"Love you too."

Now for an hour and a half stuck on a plane. I wasn't horribly worried. She said she's fine. I kept telling myself this and mostly believed. What concerned me most was that she called asking me to come at all. She's independent, strong, and self sufficient. And while she said she's fine, the strong, independent, self sufficient woman I’m in love with called to say she needed me. She's not okay. Yeah, that's why I was worried. She's at home so it's not some medical emergency. A few other scenarios ran through my brain. Oh hell, this was pointless.

Less than two hours later I'm ran up the stairs to her flat. The door was unlocked. She was on the couch under our blanket. When she saw me, she was up and crashed into me. I held her as tightly as she did me, "Hey baby, I'm here. Whatever it is it's alright." I led her back to the couch and pulled her in my lap, wiping away tears.

"Will you kiss me?"

I felt myself smile, "Gladly." The kiss turned almost desperate. I let her be the one to pull away, "Now I'm worried."

"I know. I'm sorry."

Tears were falling and she was biting her lip, "Don't be sorry. What's wrong?"

She nodded, "I'm having a miscarriage."

I sucked in a breath, but felt like there was no air. It was as if I was punched in the stomach. Oh hell. Shit. I didn't know what to say. Absolutely no words. "You're pregnant?" And that's what I said. Brilliant!

"I only found out a few days ago and was going to tell you when you got here. I'm so sorry, Nathan. Please, don't be mad."

Silly stupid girl. I pulled her close and laid my hand on her head, "I'm not mad." She nodded against my neck. "Give me a minute to catch up." I played in her hair and focused on breathing. By the third breath my eyes were stinging. That was progress. Shocked to incredibly sad. 

I was twenty years old and not remotely equipped to handle this. I took a deep shaky breath before kissing her head, "A’right can you fill me in?" She sat up as I wiped my eyes, "Not the how bit, I was there for that." That got me a little smile. I kept my arm around her and held her hand.

"I didn't get my period, but that's no biggie. With my IUD it's irregular and light or nonexistent. Started feeling nauseous and my boobs hurt like a period. So I took a pregnancy test." I raised an eyebrow because I knew better. "Fine, four. I took four pregnancy tests."

I laughed and kissed her, "Of course you did. I love you."

She kept going, "Since I have an IUD I called my doctor and she saw me this morning. She did an ultrasound and found it’s ectopic."

I made a face, “Don't know that word."

"Instead of being in my uterus the baby’s in my fallopian tube." She looked down at her stomach then back to me, "First time I said that word."

I nodded. First time I really thought it. "It can't stay there, right?"

She was shaking her head "She scheduled surgery for tomorrow. Take the baby and try to save the tube."

How I wished I'd pay more attention during female anatomy class, "You can get pregnant again? Later."

"Yeah, have two. Not far along so she thinks there's a good chance. Hopefully just laparoscopic and overnight. I understand if you can't stay. Lindsey's on her way."

"I'm not going anywhere." We hugged. "Three songs tonight and a radio interview in the morning. They'll survive." I pulled back, put my hands on her face, and waited for her eyes to meet mine, "My place is here with you."

She closed her eyes and laid her head on my shoulder, "I love you."

"I love you too." 

All I ever heard about are guys who are assholes at times like this. The one’s who asked, "Are you sure it's mine?", "I thought you were on birth control.", "You didn't want to keep it did you?" I can say that none of those crossed my mind. Since I'm not an asshole, I had no idea what to say to her. Hell, I wasn't certain what I was even thinking except that those were things I never thought, which was not helpful. I didn't think telling her that I didn't think those things was right either. Although I wondered if she was worried about that. Her ex-husband was that asshole. That's why she did that hypothetical thing. She was afraid I wouldn't come. I was young and she was broken. Together we were perfect. I was so very proud of her. There! That's what I needed to say. "I'm so very proud of you, Kristin."

She looked at me like I’d lost my mind, "Why?"

"You were afraid I wouldn't be here for you and called me anyway."

She looked horrified, "Nathan…"

"Shh," I put my finger over her lips, "I know that's not about me. I know you know me better than that, but it's the first time you had to trust me."

"Trust anyone… besides Lindsey."

I kissed her nose, "Which makes you a very brave girl and me a very lucky boy."

"Will you kiss me again?"

I wiggled my shoulders and scrunched up my nose, "Lucky boy." I was positive both of us needed this to be a real kiss. I did my best to let her feel how much I loved her. 

After the very long slow deep kiss we held onto each other. I heard a very quiet question, "Are you okay?"

"I don't know. I'm sorry." It seems that “I’m sorry” and “I love you” are being said a lot.

She shook her head, “Nothing to be sorry about."

"I'm freaking out a bit. Need some time for all this to sink in." This was completely true. Too much information for anything to feel real. "Should you be here, should you be in the hospital?"

"My doctor thinks it's fine. Told me what to watch for.” I looked questioningly at her. "Pain, feeling dizzy."

I nodded, "What we need to do tonight?"

"Feed me. Can’t eat after midnight and surgeries not until three."

"What's my girl want to eat?"

Before she could answer Lindsey came through the door, "Damn, he beat me."

I pointed at her, "Ha!"

Kristin got off my lap to hug her best friend. I watched Lindsey stroke down her hair like I'd been doing. She winked at me. I nodded, "I'm going to the loo, be right back." I took an extra long time to give them some time and for me to breathe. This was an extraordinary amount to take in. I texted Nano that I wouldn't be back. He replied with "okay", which told me that they knew. I bet Jay called Lindsay when I ran out. Ok, that’s too real. I went back into the room with the girls, "Do you ladies want something to drink?"

Both voices yelled, "Beer."

"Brilliant." I brought out three bottles and sat next to my girl. Put my arm around her, she leaned in, and put her hand on my leg. "We were discussing what to do for dinner. You coming with us?"

Lindsey shook her head no, but Kristin said, "Yes, please."

Lindsey looked at her. Kristin glared, "Look, I don't want to sit here doing nothing but thinking. I don't know what to think. I need to not think." She looked at me, "What do you need?"

I took a swig of my beer, "Not a clue. Oh, I have no clothes. We can go shopping and eat."

Kristin clapped her hands, "Can we dress you up, have you model?"

I kissed her, "You can do whatever you want."

Kristin got up, “Gonna wash my face and put on some makeup."

As soon as the bedroom door closed Lindsey bounced onto the couch and hugged me, "I knew you'd come. Still I had a plan involving your penis and a cheese grater if you didn't."

I winced and pushed her away, "Thanks?"

She messed up my hair, "I said I knew you'd come. She did too."

"I know about Jason after her parents died, Lynz. She didn't doubt me, but she gets to be scared. Especially given the situation. I'm glad she has you."

"I didn't know until this morning." I heard the sadness that I felt coming out in her voice.

I scooted down and laid my head on the back of the couch, "Seriously, Lindsey, I don't give a shit about who knew first. It's like you're making sure I'm not mad at her. I'm not mad at her." I laughed a little, "Last thing I am is mad."

I felt her hand on my arm, "What are you?"

I looked over, "A bunch of S words. Shocked, sad, scared. Shitty." I raised my eyebrows. That one fit best. "Shitty."

"Stop talking about me. I'm coming out."

I pulled Lindsey across my lap, laying her on the couch, and burying my face against her neck, “Not talking."

Kristin put her hands on her hips, "Whore. Not satisfied with the curly headed one. Have to poach on the young one?"

She shrugged, "Trainable?"

I laughed and pushed her onto the floor, "I'm already trained up. You missed that bus."

The afternoon was actually fun. They passed clothes to me and I modeled while they gave me thumbs up or thumbs down. I got Kristin to try out a few things too. Bought her a t-shirt she picked out for me, but looked better on her.

Dinner was fine except for the times it felt like the last supper. Thankfully Lindsey kept us laughing with embarrassing stories about Jay and her family. Everything felt surreal.

Back at Kristin's flat Lindsey hugged her, "Call me in the morning."

"Aren't you staying here?" That was me. Lindsey always stayed here. The daybed in the office was hers.

She looked at me and shook her head, "No, got a hotel room. You two don't need me here."

I nodded. She was right. I wasn't sure what we needed to do, but I knew we needed to do it alone. I reached for her, "Thank you."

She kissed my cheek, "Take care of our girl."

"Always."

I locked the door then leaned on it, "What do you want to do?" I knew what I wanted to do.

She sighed, "Get in our PJs and lay the dark."

"Just what I wanted to do." Minutes later I was stripped down to my boxers and she had on the T-shirt I’d worn all day. I climbed into bed and waited for her to settle against me, "Why do my clothes always look better on you?"

"Because my butt hangs out the bottom."

"That's appealing, but I don't think that's it." I turned her face up to mine and kissed her. 

She smiled before curling around me. We were quiet and still for a long time before she started talking. "When the test was positive I panicked. Pregnant was so not in the plan. I didn't want to tell you on the phone because I didn't want to not be with you. I wanted you to be with me. You'd be here in a few days. I didn't know what I wanted to do." She went quiet again and I ran my fingers through her hair. "I didn't want a baby, but it was your baby, so I sort of did." I felt tears on my chest. She didn't move to wipe them, so I didn't either. "When the doctor said there was no way the pregnancy was viable I felt like I’d let you down. I know it's not really a miscarriage, but if I didn't have surgery would be. I'd rather think that than what's really going to happen. The baby will be alive until they cut it away from the fallopian tube. I don’t want to think about that, Nathan. I don't want to be pregnant, but I don’t want to kill our baby either. We don't get a choice and when you don't get a choice it's a miscarriage." I was crying too and it hurt to breathe. "Part of me is very sad and part of me is very relieved. Is that horrible?"

"No." The answer was instant. "I keep going in the same circle. I think you're pregnant and get a moment of excited and happy then panic because like you said a baby wasn't in the plan. Still I can't help feeling happy that we made a baby." Now I understand why she got quiet. It hurt too much to talk. It was like someone had shoved their hand into my stomach, grabbed a fistful of something and was twisting. It subsided a few seconds later and I went on. "Then I remember what’s happening and feel very sad. A little relieved. I don't think you let me down, Kristin." I held her tight and kissed her head. "You're right… we don't get a choice and I don’t know what to call it." The sob broke through, "Only that it's mine and I don't get to know it. We don’t get to know it." I rolled to my side so we could hold each other. She was shaking so hard from her tears. I knew I wasn't far behind, "We’re not horrible for feeling relieved, but tonight we need to be sad."

I felt her head nod, "Yeah."

I pushed her hair away to kiss her forehead, my lips stayed against her skin, "Because right now, just for tonight, there's three of us" my voice cracked, "and tomorrow there won't be."

We lay wrapped in each other’s arms, shaking and crying until exhaustion took us.


	2. Chapter 2

~*~Nathan~*~

We woke up the next morning still tangled together. A stretch would have felt good, but I didn’t want to take my arms from around her. I wasn’t sure how either of us were this morning. Truthfully, I still felt emotionally drained from last night, but not so emotional. I pulled my head back and saw her eyes were open, “How long have you been awake?”

“About five seconds.” She stretched up and kissed me. Nothing more than a peck. Then she scooted up even with me and kissed me again. This time not a peck. A nice relaxed I love you kiss. When she moved away again she ran her fingers through my hair, “You look like shit.”

I looked at her puffy red eyes, “You too.”

“Well, at least we’re in this together.” She squirmed around, rolling to her other side with her back to me, “Had to turn over. Everything on my left side is asleep.”

She was laying on one of my arms and the other hand was on her waist. Nothing new, but this morning it was different. I wanted to move it down where the baby was. I wanted to move it up and ignore the other. “This is hard.”

“Yeah.” She knows me well. She wrapped her fingers in mine then down onto her stomach. “Can we make a deal? We have to say and do whatever we need to say and do. I don’t want it to be a week from now and thinking that I wished we’d lain in bed with our hands on my belly for just a few minutes.”

Bloody hell. If I’m crying every other sentence how must she feel? She’s got the same thoughts and the hormones. This was happening to her in a much more physical way. I wanted to throw up. Instead I kissed the back of her neck, “It’s really weird. If you were just pregnant I think we’d be lying her trying to figure out if we were going to keep it. Yeah?”

“Yes. I love you. You’re a wonderful man and a wonderful boyfriend, but there are so many reasons why we’re not ready to have a baby. That’s not saying that I’d decided not to, just that we’d be lying her trying to figure it out. We might have come up with just as many reasons to keep it.”

“So why does it hurt so bad to lose something that neither of us are sure we want?” I used the arm she was laying on to reach over and wipe at my eyes. “That sounds so stupid.” 

Kris turned her head and kissed me. The tears in her eyes made me feel better, “Doesn’t sound stupid at all. I know just what you mean.” 

“Since we don’t get to decide I want to fight back and scream “Mine, you can’t have it!” like some damn two year old pulling on a blanket for a tug of war. Makes me want it because someone decided I can’t have it.” I laughed while tears continued to fall, “And I’m angry.”

She laughed with me, “Me too! It’s not like we were irresponsible. You’d think one form of birth control would be enough. I’m pissed that we have to use what time we get together dealing with this. I’m pissed that we have to do this. I’m pissed that this is part of our story now.” She turned around and clung to me, her face buried against my neck, “I’m scared, Nath.”

I kept hold of her and moved her hair from her face, “What are you scared of, baby?” I know in general, but she wasn’t talking about in general. 

Her leg wrapped around mine, her hand on my back, “I’m afraid this will hurt us. That we won’t be able to get through this.”

I was shaking my head before she finished, “Nope, not going to happen. We’re both in this freaked out emotional place right now and that’s ok, but reality is that this is four days of our life together. I feel like a fucking ping pong ball. I’m happy, I’m sad, I’m relieved, I’m angry, I’m disappointed, I’m exhausted. I know you feel the same because we’re talking. And we’re gonna keep on talking. When today’s over things will settle down, the adrenaline will go away, and we’ll be fine.”

“My hormones will go back to normal.”

I snickered, “Oh yeah, pregnancy hormones.”

 

~*~ Kristin~*~

I felt better with his words. He was right. I’d at least had a few days to get used to pregnant, where he was hit with all this at once. We were all over the place. Some of this just needed some time. I felt so much better from just a night of sleep in his arms. We’d said the ugly things. We admitted we were at least a little relieved and that we’d be discussing if we were going to keep it. I decided that if we could talk about that we’d be ok. I kept my eyes on his and ran my fingers through the front of his hair like I did the night we met. Suddenly I felt very calm. Very relaxed. “I can’t tell you I love you enough.”

“Lucky for you I can’t hear it enough.”

I got a glimpse of my adorable Nathan face, “Everything you’re saying is perfect.”

He snorted, “I feel like I’m just spewing whatever. This horrid mix of thoughts and feelings all confused and jumbled up.”

I pressed my lips to his for a few seconds, “Which is perfect. Uncensored is good. I need for you to be uncensored so I know your ok, well not ok, but I know how you are.”

“As if I’ve ever been good at filtering anything, love.” He kissed my nose, which made me giggle.

“You do suck at hiding things. I don’t know how you managed to pull off Valentine’s Day.” I loved the trip to Arizona and his getting on stage with Ed Sheeran to sing to me.

“It was horrible. I nearly burst from holding it all in. I kept reminding myself how fun it would be to watch your reaction every step and that kept me going. It was worth all the stress of holding it in.” He looked like he was thinking, “Have to figure out how to top that.”

“That will be a tough one. Maybe you singing to me.”

“I’ll sing to you anytime you want.” 

“Sing to me now.” I cuddled into him, my face buried against him.

“Settle down with me. Cover me up. Cuddle me in. Lie down with me and hold me in your arms. And your heart's against my chest, your lips pressed to my neck. I'm falling for your eyes, but they don't know me yet. And with a feeling I won’t forget, I'm in love now. Kiss me like you wanna be loved.”

I smiled as he sang. When he finished we were quiet for a minute before his fingers under my chin brought my face to his. There was a slight pause, a breath of time, a moment flooded with feeling, and he kissed me. Tender soft touches of his lips. Hundreds of them. Felt like it anyway. Then the tentative touch of tongue asking me if it was alright to want more. I heard my sigh as my lips parted to him. The damn broke and he was kissing me like only he can.

When we were back to hugging I could feel him shaking and thought he was crying. I moved back to find that he was laughing, “What’s so funny?”

“Inappropriate thought.”

I glared at him, “Out with it.”

He looked like a little kid, “This is what got us in this mess. Kissing.”

“Not exactly kissing.” I rubbed against him.

He jerked his hips away, “No, bad girl.”

“Me being a bad girl got us in this mess. If you weren’t so damned adorable. So that’s your part.”

“I’m adorable and you lack self control?” He kissed my neck and I squirmed, “I’m a bad boy.”

“Oh how I want my bad boy right now.”

“Kris, I didn’t mean. . .”

I interrupted him, “Nothing I’d like more than to be making love with you.” I chose those words intentionally. I didn’t want to have sex, or screw, or fuck. I wanted to make love with him. I wanted that closeness. 

He shivered and I knew he understood. “Can we? Is it dangerous?”

I shrugged, “No one said not to.” I reached between his legs and rubbed along his length, “Make love to me?”

“Very gently.”

We stayed on our sides with my leg over his and made love very slowly, very gently. We kissed and held onto each throughout. I got lost in him, us. After we came I nuzzled my cheek against his, “Best I’ve felt in days.”

He snickered, “Me too.”

Once we’d made it to vertical I called Lindsey, “Where are you?”

“Starbucks down the street. Nathan want anything?”

I found him in the kitchen getting out his tea, “Lynz is at Starbucks, what do you want?” He started to say he wasn’t hungry. “You’ve got to eat.”

His glare let me know I was right, “Super huge tea and something with either cinnamon or bacon.”

She’d heard him, “Be right there.” A few minutes later she walked in with a drink carrier and a bag. 

Nathan descended on her, wrapping her in his arms, “You’re my second favorite person today!”

She laughed before holding onto his arms and pushing him away, “You look like shit.”

“No selfie this morning?” He looked at me pouting.

“I think you’re beautiful.”

He pointed at me while looking at her, “Sweet words like hers are why you’re my second favorite person.”

Lindsey came over and hugged me “You think he’s beautiful because you look as shitty as he does.”

I laid my head on hers, “You’re my second favorite person too.” I smelled cinnamon. My stomach growled and lurched at the same time. “Ugh, that smells delicious and vile. I’m going to go take a shower. I have special pre-surgery soap.” I kissed Nathan before grabbing Lindsey’s hand, “Come with.” I glanced back at Nathan. His wink let me know he understood.

“I need you to take care of him while I’m out.” I pulled off his t-shirt and threw it in the dirty clothes hamper.

Lindsey nodded, “Will do.” How’s he doing? More importantly how are you doing?”

I poked my head out of the shower and pointed to my swollen red eyes, “How’s it look like I’m doing?”

I trusted her to know I was teasing, “Like you spent the night crying with your boyfriend.”

I shrugged and ducked back in the shower, “That is pretty much how I spent my night. You know, it’s just fucking insane.” I huffed out a sigh.

“What’s insane, sweetie?”

I used Nathan’s words, “That it hurts to lose something that I never wanted. I mean, I completely understand that there’s all sorts of hormonal shit going on and control issues and shock and about a dozen other things. I teach fucking psychology. I understand about mourning and loss. I get it. But I’m grieving something that I didn’t even know existed until four days ago and is the size of a lima bean. Luckily that incredible man out there gets it and we’ve been able say and feel all the crap. And that’s what it is . . . crap. What’s the purpose of this? We don’t need this. He doesn’t need this. He is amazing, Lynz. He’s strong and says the right things. Not because they’re the right things, but because that’s who he is. Last night we cried and laughed. I know that he’ll be with me.”

“Maybe that’s the point, Kristin.”

I wrapped the towel around me and stepped out, “What do you mean?”

She grabbed my hands, “Please understand that in no way do I think this is a good thing. In no way do I think that.” I nodded, of course she didn’t. “But if there’s something good to come out of it, maybe it’s that you know not everyone is like Jason.”

Damn, there was another one of those tears, but this time kinda happy, “No, but not everyone is like Nathan.”

“Remember when all you wanted from him was sex.”

I laughed loud enough that I’m sure Nathan heard, “And look where sex got us.”

She hugged me, but it wasn’t me who needed the hug, it was her. “You’re gonna be fine, sweetie. You’re both gonna be fine.”

“Yeah.” One of those unexpected waves of sadness washed over me and I sighed, “I wish we could fast forward to tomorrow. I don’t wanna do today. I keep getting hit with this icky melodramatic stuff and it feels so bad.” I sighed again and closed my eyes. “I know that it’s grief stuff, and I just have to go through it.”

“Probably. What do you need?” I looked at her, not wanting to say it. She smiled and drew a cross over her chest, “Just say it. I promise to forget it immediately.”

“I need the father of my baby.”


	3. Chapter 3

~*~Nathan~*~

“Nathan!” 

I nearly choked on my tea when I heard Lindsey scream my name. I went tearing into the other room, “What’s wrong?”

She stood there as calm as anything, “Nothing, she just wanted you.”

I put my hand on my chest and leaned the other on the door jamb, “You scared the fuck out of me.” I walked forward and put my arms around Kristin. She laid her head on my shoulder. I kissed her head, “What’s up, baby?”

Lindsey walked around us and into the other room. Kristin smiled up at me, “Needed a hug.”

I enveloped her, laying my chin on her head, “You had a sad.”

She laughed, “It’s gone now.”

“All it took was me to hug you? I’m magic!” I shook her back and forth until she was laughing. “I will hug you anytime you want.”

I jumped in the shower while she sat on the toilet talking to me. Today was Thursday and with any luck she’d be able to go back to work on Monday. A laparoscopic procedure didn’t take long to heal and she could take it easy at work if she needed to. Originally I’d been due in for the weekend and staying the week, so I would be staying with her. We laughed that one day would need to be another “Take Your Teenaged Lover To Work Day” only since I was twenty now we’d have to think up a new name. 

Surgery was at three. She was to be there to check in by one. The few hours to kill were spent with the three of us watching shitty daytime talk shows. Nothing like a brawl between two classless women to keep your mind off things. Kristin stayed sitting between my legs with my arms wrapped around her. 

Lindsey drove. Seemed smartest. I sat in the back and sang along to every song on the radio. Even the ones I didn’t know. 

Once we got into the little prep room and she was changing into the hospital gown I started poking around. All sorts of supplies in drawers and cabinets. “I think I know how you felt when I had surgery now. Makes me nervous.” I shook out my arms.

Kristin’s bare ass climbed into bed and sat cross legged, “I think I prefer me having surgery to watching you go through it.”

I snorted, “I think I prefer me going through to watching you. Even.” I pulled the chair close and sat on the edge where I could lean on the bed and hold her hand, “Are you nervous? Surgery, not the other stuff.” She had been worried I wouldn’t wake up and I wondered if she was worried for herself.

She picked up our hands and kissed mine, “Nope. Fear of not waking up must only be for others.”

I held her hand, but avoided looking when they started her IV. I made the mistake of watching that big assed needle going into my hand. Big mistake. After that was done they let Lindsey back to wait with us. I know we cut up and talked the whole time to keep Kristin distracted, but I don’t remember any of it. My thoughts were occupied.

The nurse coming in startled us, “Alright, your Dr. called down. Transport will be here in fifteen. I have happy juice for you. I’ll be right back.”

“I remember that!” I laughed, “And nothing after.”

Kristin smiled, “You gave me a great kiss.”

“Oh yeah? I bet I did.”

Lindsey hugged her best friend, “I’m going to give you guys a few minutes. I love you and will have a mocha latte for you as soon as I can sneak one in.” They said something else I couldn’t hear then Lindsey hugged me, “I’ll see you in a few.”

“Thanks.” I’d given this moment much thought. “Remember how we agreed to do whatever so we don’t regret it tomorrow.” She nodded her head. “I . . .” Of course, this would be when the nurse came back. I played with my lip. I do that when I’m annoyed, bored, or nervous. I was the latter. She juiced up my girl then left.

“You’re nervous.” Kristen played in my hair.

I nodded, “I need to say goodbye. I know it’s silly, but if I don’t I’ll wish I did.”

She laid her hand on my face, “I don’t think it’s silly, Nathan.”

“Feels kinda silly.” I leaned forward and talked to her stomach anyway. “We both think this sucks, little baby. We didn’t mean for any of this to happen. I love your mum very much, and we won’t forget you. Goodbye, little one.” I kissed her belly randomly with tears in my eyes.

Kristin pulled up the gown and pointed, “About there.”

I smiled and kissed where she pointed, “Thank you for indulging me.”

Her fingers felt so good in my hair, “I get it, Nath.”

We talked quietly for several minutes before transportation showed up. This little girl was going to push this big bed thingy? I looked at her, “She won’t remember any of this, right?” Then I remembered that I didn’t. I’m not thinking real well. Too much emotion going on. The girl frowned and shook her head. I put my hands on either side of my girl and got very close, “I love you and I would have asked you to keep me forever.”

She smiled before I kissed her very softly. “I love you too, baby boy.”

I watched her go round the corner then headed out to the waiting area. When I walked from the cubicle lined hall into the huge chair cluttered room I understood why Kristin had passed out. She was where I couldn’t get to her, where I couldn’t make sure she was safe. I wasn’t going to pass out. Might vomit. Very definitely might vomit.

I thought if I could sit down I might be okay. I looked around for Lindsey and finally found her in the furthest back corner. So fucking far way. I noticed that she wasn’t alone. I walked faster. Lindsey saw me and elbowed Jay. When he stood up and started toward me, Max and Tom followed. I walked straight into an orgy of a hug. There was a chorus of “Nath, I’m sorry” in the middle. I’m not sure I’ve ever been so glad to see anyone. Well, besides Kristin and she doesn’t count because she’s in a whole different category. Like I said, never happier to see any one much less three.

Jay and Tom kept their arms around me as we went back to the seats, “Siva had to be back in London, but he’s thinking of you.”

I nodded. He’d been on about meeting with a modeling agency for weeks and I understood. “I’m glad you guys are here. Thank you. What’s the story?”

Max sat next to Lindsey while I was between Jay and Tom, “Baseball game with Scooter. We may actually go.”

Jay rolled his eyes, “I hope not.” 

Lindsey stood up, “I’m going to the canteen, give me orders.” She looked at me, “You, cutie pie, must eat. “

Like I didn’t know who’d issued that order. I knew this was also a way for her to give me time with my friends, like I had for her and Kristin this morning. Once we’d given her our orders and she walked away I looked at my friends, “I guess Lindsey filled you in?”

Max glanced at Jay, “She filled Jay in. I think Jay’s explanation to us lost something in translation.”

Jay pulled me into a sideways hug, “I was worried about our lil Nath and the details seemed unimportant.”

I quickly went through the medical part then got to the me parts. “It’s been very overwhelming. Going through about a million different emotions. Worried on the plane because I didn’t know what was going, then freaked out that she’s pregnant but going to lose it, holding onto each other crying last night, and fifteen minutes ago kissing her stomach and telling our baby goodbye.” I heard a gasp and looked over to see Max looking like I felt. Totally gutted. I focused on him, “We made a deal. We were going to say and do whatever we needed to so we wouldn’t regret it later. I had to say goodbye or when I saw her again I’d be wishing I’d said goodbye to something that wasn’t there anymore.” I quickly wiped the tears that were going again. 

Before I knew what was happening Jay had me in a hug. Jay gives the best hugs. He’s big and his arms are really long. He totally had me squashed, “Oh my god, this is just the most horrible thing. My heart is breaking for both of you and I don’t know how you’re even able to fucking breathe.”

Max was there as soon as Jay let me go. Hugging and flipping my ear, which made me smile. Max is closest to her, after me. Rocky beginning with his telling her I was young and all. He was completely there for her during my surgery. Caught her when she passed out, cried with her when I was ok, and he was the one she told about her fears after it all. “Anything we can do for you, Nath?”

I backed up, “Nope. Reality is this isn’t some huge tragedy. Birth control failure that self corrected without us having to make a decision about what to do.”

“Do you know what you’d have wanted?” Tom looked up from his bowed head.

I frowned and shook my head, “No idea, and we can’t discuss is now because it’s not real anymore. We both know now isn’t the time, but that’s logic without the emotion. And let me tell you there’s a lot of emotion.” I laughed and couldn’t stop for a very long time. When I stopped I closed my eyes, grabbed onto my hair stretching back, and sighed, “That felt good.” I stayed that way for a bit. They were all looking at me when I opened my eyes again, “I’m pretty sure that even a couple that chooses an abortion thinks about goodbye.”

Tom nodded, “You do. Not that you do anything about it, but in your mind you say goodbye to the potential life you made.”

I knew the decision he and someone before Kelsey had made, “It’s odd because we’re relieved too.”

Max smiled, “Relieved and sad is fine, Nath.”

Jay nodded, “That’s the bit that’s hard for me to wrap my head around. If you’d chosen it would be one thing but how do you figure out what to feel about something you didn’t get to decide if you wanted?”

“Exactly.” I patted his confused little curly head. “I really like that someone else finds this confusing to manage.”

Lindsey had joined us, “I’m proud of both of you. Like Max just said, relieved and sad is fine. If either of you get too weird we’ll kick your asses.”

Jay snickered, “Or get you good therapists.”

“That’s what friends are for.” I suddenly got hit with a huge wall of panic, “Oh god, no one called my mom did they?”

They laughed, “No, that one’s up to you.”

I could breathe again, “Later. Not now. If ever. Not sure.”

We all just sat playing on our phones after we finished eating. Wonder if it was this boring while I was in surgery. At least they had the excitement of Kristin passing out. I didn’t even manage a good barf. Maybe later. I was between Max and Tom. Tom and I were playing a rousing game of Words with Friends. Jay was looking at something with his head on Lindsey’s shoulder. Max was flipping through the screen on his phone and looking disgusted, “Never gonna catch up.” He elbowed Jay and showed him the phone.

Jay’s snicker turned into a full blown laugh. People looked. That made Max laugh. Max held his phone out where Tom and I could see. Tom wrapped his arm around my shoulder and kissed my cheek, “He’s suffering.”

“Damn, right. I’m the man whore! How did this happen? Next thing you know Jay will be passing me.”

Lindsey snatched at Max’s phone and he hit the button to get rid of the screen, “No need for you to see, missy.”

“You five idiots actually do keep track of sexual experiences.”

Four of the five idiots in question nodded without a bit of guilt and I spoke, “We get bored.”

“How’s this work? Is there a checklist?”

We all frowned. Tom explained, “There’s points for different things. Obviously sleeping with a virgin is worth more points than sleeping with a cougar.”

Jay joined, “But a cougar is worth more than an eighteen to twenty one year old.”

“There’s points for activities as well. Nathan took the lead with something Kristin did to him.” Max glared at me.

I smiled, “Did you give me the points for doing back?”

“You fucker!” Max pulled out his phone.

Lindsey waited before snatching it successfully this time, “Jay, you’ve neglected to tell them a few things.”

Jay snorted, “Unless you’re gonna let me have sex with a pregnant woman I have no chance of catching up.”

Max ripped his phone back, “There’s different points for having sex with a woman you got pregnant versus not your baby.” His shoulders dropped and he looked at me, “Did you have sex with Kristin recently.”

“This morning.”

“Bastard.” He sighed. “So you get points for reciprocating, huge points for being the first to get a girl pregnant while in the band, and for having sex with said pregnant girl. None of us will ever catch up.”

“Which one of you had sex with not your baby mama?”

Tom raised his hand. We all started laughing. That kept up until the girl who’d transported Kristin walked up. I stood, freaking out a bit, “Everything a’right?”

“Yes. She wrote you a note before she forgot what you’d said.” She handed me a slip of paper and walked off.

I opened it to read, “I’d keep you forever.” 

I felt my whole entire world shift with those four words. At that moment I didn’t feel young, or awkward, or insecure, or any of those things that clutter my mind and make me doubt myself. This woman who’d been through enough to want nothing but sex had decided she wanted to keep me.


End file.
